Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Possible Gossip Girl Endings

For some reasons (my laziness) this so called tv haiku blog has turned into a blog about only Gossip Girl. I’m ok with that. Since there are only 11 more episodes of Gossip Girl left next year, I decided to make a list the eleven ways I hope this show ends.

11) The entire group of “friends” board a plane and it crashes. At the end, a phone falls out of Nate’s pocket and the cracked screen shows that he IS Gossip Girl. Blood drips on the phone screen. Fade to black.

10) Bart Bass remains in the Upper East Side and in episode 10 is revealed to be a Cyborg. He then blows up everything – starting with Rufus. [I REALLY wanted Chuck to throw Bart off the roof last night]

9) Lily marries Bart again and then he really dies. We see it. They make sure to watch rigor mortis set in then watch as he is buried. Chuck moves to London, becomes friends with Madonna and picks up a fake British accent. Nate starts dealing pot and uses the Observer as his cover. Serena is his number one customer. Dan realizes he hates everything to do with the UES so moves away to Portland to write books and grow a beard. Blair runs her mom’s company successfully and meets a handsome, older man who treats her right.

8) At the final party of the series – probably Rufus and Lily’s wedding – Gossip Girl shows up and shoots everyone. She takes off the hoodie obscuring her face, the camera pans around and it’s Little J – eyeliner and all.

7) Chuck and Blair start to rekindle their love affair and then Blair remembers she slept with Jack who has hepatitis. She gets tested. Positive. Chuck then gets tested. Positive. Blair calls Dan to let him know he needs to get tested cause she slept with Jack way long time ago. Positive. Dan calls Serena. Positive. Serena calls like 1000 guys. ALL POSITIVE. They think Nate is the only one in the clear but no one is sure because they can’t remember who all they slept with. The episode ends with Chuck at the apartment waiting for Nate. He tells Nate he is positive for hepatitis. Nate’s face crumbles. They’ve been LOVERS THIS WHOLE TIME. Episode ends with real information on how serious hepatitis is. [Alternate scenario: substitute “hepatitis” with “herpes.” PSA is for proper condom use. Valtrex buys some advertising space.] 

6) Nate’s newest love interest in a beautiful, rich, young woman named Emily Thorne. Turns out she’s not only really Amanda Clarke, but is in fact the real Ivy and heir to the Rhodes fortune. She has a yearbook of all the UESers she wants revenge on and each week crosses out one of their faces. Her last foe is Serena, who she ends up killing with tainted cocaine and a “high heel mishap.” Someone off screen says, “We did it.” It’s Eric/Declan Porter. They smile. Screen fades to black. Revenge!

Read my top 5 suggestions after the JUMP!

5) The ground opens up and swallows all of them. We never learn who Gossip Girl is other than the fact that we know she lives because the CW somehow texts all its viewers a GG post about the earth swallowing NY. There’s a pun in the post somewhere.

4) Serena really kills a guy this time. She is arrested, forced to wear orange and then put on trial. The three hour finale consists of all her friends testifying on her behalf but each one, during cross examination, realizes she’s a shitty friend. They let her go to jail. The group meets after to cry and hug and be sad at Dan’s Brooklyn apartment. Rufus makes waffles. Gossip Girl retires.

3) They all turn into vampires. The CW immediately orders new scripts.

2) Dan’s hair continues to grow. It eventually takes over all of the Upper East Side. Everyone dies via suffocation. Sixty years in the future archaeologists try to learn about these so called UESers. They find out that Georgina was Gossip Girl all along. They also might find something to do with alien life. Just cause.

1) Christian Bale shows up. Says in his raspy voice: "I’m Gossip Girl." Then flies away. Chuck Bass looks on with jealousy



  1. -"Chuck moves to London, becomes friends with Madonna and picks up a fake British accent."
    Which would be his REAL British accent!
    -Seriously, #6 is genius. Pure TV genius.
    -The person in the "is this Gossip Girl" video was totally a dude (or maybe Little J since she has the body of a 12-year-old boy). So either Gossip Girl is Rufus or Gossip Girl has a boy sidekick to do her dirty work.